Good Gifts

   

(artwork by my amazing friend Ash)

  It may seem strange that on the day when we commemorate Jesus' resurrection, I always reflect on my struggle with suicidal ideation. But each Easter I celebrate is a testament not only of God's eternal faithfulness to me, but also the temporal, day by day, moment by moment faithfulness.

     I've walked through most of my life with Death's hand on my shoulder, demanding my attention. I've told him to go away. I've tried to run from him. I've begged God to make Death leave me alone.

    And repeatedly, God has said, No.

    I read a passage like Matthew 7:9-11 and it's hard not to get angry:

    9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

    It's hard not to say, "Okay, Dad. But I am asking you for a good gift. I am asking you to give me joy, and confidence, and peace." Sometimes, it feels like I ask for a goldfish and God gives me a python instead.

    As I continue to struggle, I try to remind myself of who God is, and Easter is a wonderful time to claim this ever-important truth: God is in the business of resurrection. He defeated Death on the most colossal and cosmic level so that I could cry out to Him in the moments I need him to defeat Death in my small apartment.

    While I don't pretend to understand why God let's Death keep a hand on me, I do know that God has promised to hold me tighter. I wish I didn't feel the weight of Death nearly every day, but as I seek to give my struggle over to the Lord, I find that there is a joy in the need for resurrection. I laugh with a friend, or snuggle my cat, or weep over a movie, or feel the blazing sun on my arms and the beauty of it is almost too much to bear. In those moments, I feel a heightened gratitude for the gift of life and I think, I am so glad I am here to experience this right now. I still kind of want to die, but God, this life is something amazing, isn't it?

    I may have to live with suicidal ideation until the day God takes me home. God doesn't promise to just take all the hard things away. But what I do trust is that he's helping me mine beauty from the darkness. Yes, it sucks that I have to make an active choice to live, but it's also a beautiful choice. Each day I ask myself, "Are you going to choose life today?" Oftentimes my response is a half-hearted grumble and those days it's more like just choosing existence. But I am given the good gift to choose life every day. To choose to get out of bed. To choose to be kind to myself and those around me. To choose to try to do something meaningful with the time I've been given. I fail miserably again and again, but with the rising of the sun each day, God raises a little resurrection in me to give it one more go.

    Sometimes the weight of Death's hand feels unbearable and choking, like that python. But sometimes the weight is just a light pressure, reminding me he's there, but that his power over me is limited. Death's presence is not a gift, but the ways God helps me fight him are

     Thank you, Jesus, for choosing to die for me so I could choose to live for you.

*Note: While I do believe in the power of prayer, I also want to emphasize that I believe that God works through doctors, and medication, and science, and therapy, and friends. Please reach out if you or someone you know is struggling. It's okay to admit you're in a hard place and to find the joy in that place, but it's equally important to keep striving wholestically so things get more joyful and less hard. You are loved.

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

Self Harm Hotline: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)

Self-injury Foundation’s National Crisis Line: 1-800-334-HELP

Real Help for Teens Help Line: 1-877-332-7333